Should We Really Embrace Our Pain?
We as Souls decide to be humans to experience the hardships, challenges, pain and adversity, because as a Universal love we don't have the means to embody any other perspective than oneness, unconditional love, and understanding in Spirit form.
Humans are messy.
We have complex bodies and minds, and with our Soul and inner spirit inside of our heavy meat suits, we walk through the ups and downs of life trying to accomplish inner peace.
We are born with a quest for inner peace because that is the energy we live in as Spirit. It acts as our moral compass within these complex bodies to lead us on the path that gives us the best chance of feeling the inner peace that we come from.
This is a pretty heavy world we live in. We have lots of opportunities to either become more in alignment with our inner selves, or the chance to live in the world of illusions that we have created through the roles and requirements of the survival of our ego.
Ego is the voice and programming we have in our head. It is the inner chatter of negative and fear based motivations that have us abandoning the moral compass inside to fulfill all of our worldly needs and desires. And there's nothing wrong with that!
If you have a soul that has spent countless reincarnations as a poor or unfortunate human, struggling through lives without the luxuries of pleasure and comfort, it is totally fair to come into this life as a rich person who lives every moment surrounded with the best of the best this world has to offer, and not feel bad about it. Many people will get to experience that life lesson and at the end of that life, most would agree that THINGS, material possessions, and wealth was fun, but it came at far too great of a price.
Jim Carey, as eccentric as he's been over the years, will be the first one to say that everyone should have the opportunity to be rich and famous for them to realize that it isn't the answer.
The richest a soul wants or needs to be, is rich in experience, rich in lessons, and rich in the wisdom to know that if it wasn't for their pain and struggles, they would have never discovered their strength, their spiritual self, or the closest thing to inner peace a human could ever know.
I truly believe that The Universe gives the best students the toughest tests, and that we are tested in our faith and ability to tap into the love and trust in one's self and in the Universe as our Souls know very well. Many of the greatest spiritual healers come from great tragedy and pain. True healers don't go looking to fix people, but rather attract those ready to be triggered into wanting to help and heal themselves.
Through the scars of those that use their stories of experience to help inspire and encourage others to find their inner light, healers must endure the greatest pain from life experience to be able to show others that the way out of darkness, is to follow the light.
As humans, we are told that pain is something we want to avoid. Yes, it's unpleasant and something no one wants to voluntarily experience, but the reality is, it's through pain and discomfort that we learn and grow. Sometimes we don't have a choice in the trauma that we've experienced. We are conditioned by culture, genetics, environment, and influenced by those that raised us.
A lot of the time, we suffer from the actions and decisions of others. A child doesn't have control on whether they are abused, yet the abuser’s own inner hurt caused long lasting effects on a child that had nothing to do with the pain they experienced in life. Often times pain is passed down through generations, and each time it is up to us to heal from hurts that we didn't cause ourselves.
We as a society are going through a huge health crisis, as the weight and stresses of this world are sometimes too overwhelming for our energetic selves to handle. Because we are energy bodies trapped inside these human bodies, the alignment of these systems are so influential on each other that we have to treat disorders and diseases as whole body sicknesses and not focus on JUST the mental body, or JUST the emotional body, or JUST the physical body.
We are now seeing an epidemic of new diseases and disorders that are misunderstood to the medical community. Disorders like fibromyalgia, CRPS, MS, Dementia, and Alzheimers are effecting more people now than ever before.
I am a true believer in both energy and medical science, and trust that you need to factor both in, in order to fully understand what these diseases and disorders are operating on.
Most of the unexplainable disorders and diseases now are nervous system based. Because we live in a much more toxic world than ever before, both energetically and chemically, our energy bodies are overstimulated and begin to manifest physical symptoms.
I myself suffer from CRPS (Complex regional pain syndrome) caused by complications from my emergency surgeries surrounding my near-death-experience. CRPS effects the autonomic nervous system actions such as heart rate, digestion, temperature regulation and the automatic processes of your internal organs.
To simplify, my body tells my brain that it's under attack and my brain responds by sending all my cells into overdrive and fighting a non-existent war, which in turn, ends up identifying my own body as the invader. It sucks. After 10 years, I still don't have a full understanding of what goes on inside my body and brain.
Through my quest for a PHYSICAL healing, I have discovered that there is no amount of healing that will take place unless the whole body is being healed. Meaning, your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical self, all need to be nurtured and balanced in order to operate properly.
There is a huge mind, body, soul connection that we are JUST starting to realize here in the western world of healing. Most times than not, when we suffer a health crisis, it is really the beginning of a spiritual quest and discovery. It makes you face yourself, refocus your energy and efforts to heal yourself and get back to the things you love.
For example, if you break your leg, you will be in pain, it will bum you out, you will miss out on doing things you love, you will have lots of time to think of things that you wouldn't normally think about, and it is in these times that your inner strength - or lack there of - is revealed.
You find out just how strong you are when you have no choice but to be. And if you're lucky, you will heal the bone, and help yourself back to health and be able to regain full functioning of your leg and engage in all the things you couldn't do with a cast on. When you are able to regain your ability to take part in the things you missed out on, you will do so with a new appreciation for it, because at one time you took it for granted.
For some, we don't recover. Something happens in our physical bodies, and then of course in our mental and emotional selves, that don't allow the leg to fully heal. We end up losing our identity bit-by-bit by having to accept the fact that we may never skate board again, or live a life without being in pain. We may never walk without a limp or not be able to walk ever again.
Everyone's story is different. Everyone's circumstances are different. But one thing that is the same, is pain. We all experience pain. Everyone's pain IS pain, and there shouldn't be any comparison among pain and trauma. We are stuck in a culture that promotes focusing on pain, and promotes competition among everything we humans do. I have encountered many people on my path that compare pain and trauma to make themselves appear that they are in more pain than you.
I will repeat, pain is not a competition.
We are also a society that encourages healing. A part of healing is to acknowledge and embrace the pain. Whether we are talking about an emotional or physical trauma, there is always pain. As humans, we got really good at detaching and repressing pain. Whether we weren't raised in a healthy environment that encouraged expression, or whether we were just we unable to fully express ourselves in our world, we all have issues that we've stuffed so far down, that we are almost in denial of their existence.
That's what happens when you decide to heal. You have to ask all the pain hiding in the darkness of your heart to step up and identify themselves. You have to stare that pain in the face and hug it as much as you hate it. You have to acknowledge the pain's existence, and then you have to embrace the pain.
The problem is, we usually stop there. There is one more step to the process that we fail to complete, which is letting that pain go. We like to hold onto our pain. It makes sense to hold on, and identify with our pain, because it's because of the pain, that we are currently who we are.
We identify so greatly with our pain, that we begin to wear it as our armour. We get up every day and put on the pain that has shaped us. Sometimes, we are so scared to let go of the pain and actually heal, because we are afraid of who we might be without it.
I know it sounds too simple to be true, because chronic illness and ongoing pain is a very real thing. But the way to heal the physical pain, is to acknowledge the energetic pain that our physical, mental, and emotional bodies hold onto. It is through rewiring your brain, in alignment with what your other body systems know to be true, before we can truly see an improvement in our physical health.
I have been on the quest to heal for 10 years now, and I still suffer from debilitating physical pain that interferes with my life and has shaped me greatly. It is a daily struggle for me to be aware enough of myself, to remind myself that the pain does not define me. I am currently undergoing a very intense therapy that explores how to align the physical muscle memory and the energetic system of the body to reset the programming between the brain and the body. It focuses on the physical symptoms as a secondary complaint to the emotional trauma that tends to be a motivator for the body to hold onto.
When we focus so much on pain, we experience more pain. We give power to where we focus our attention. It is easy to feel at odds with your own body when you are constantly suffering from the wrath of hate your body seems to have for itself.
But instead of looking at pain as the enemy, we should embrace the pain enough to ask it what it needs to heal. When you befriend your pain, and use it as an indicator as to what you should actually be focusing on healing, you become more one with yourself then you would be when at odds with yourself.
Disease happens when we are not in ease within our selves. Dis-ease is created when the body systems aren't in harmony and balanced with one another. So any time there is a physical symptom, you need to realize there is an emotional motivator keeping that pain alive. We need to identify the trauma, acknowledge it, embrace it... and then let it the f@ck go!
We have to work on our release. Thank your pain every day for allowing you to experience your inner strength. Thank your pain for showing you the way to your spiritual self. Thank your pain for showing you where you need to focus, and thank your pain for coming as you boot it out the door.
I invite you, if you are a pain sufferer, to adopt the perspective every day when you get up in the morning, regardless of how bad you feel, that you GET to wake up today, you GET to learn how to take care of yourself, and you GET to be on the path of self discovery. When you stop putting your energy into the pain and the limitations it puts on you, you will see the pain shift.
Is it possible to get rid of pain completely and fully heal from such a horrible disease or disorder?
I'd like to think so! I believe in miracles and I believe in science. I think if you put forth the effort and are open to exploring your inner self, you will find you really do heal! It may be small parts of you that get healed or it may be a total recovery. I believe it is the best thing you can do for your state of mind and physical health.
Even getting needles every week and IV infusions more often than anyone should, I remind myself hooked up to those machines that this is just temporary. It's all just a stepping stone towards being free of the pain.
I have befriended my pain. I have embraced it and allowed it to lead my life. I've asked it what it needs from me, and I've given it everything I can. I still live with my pain, but each day it is another step to letting it go. And one day, when it has taught me all there is to teach, it will be released from my body, as I transform the pain energy it has created into a source of power.
I invite you to do the same.
How I Ended Up Dying
I just want to thank each and every single one of you for the overwhelming feedback, love, and support from my post “On The 10th Anniversary Of My Death”. I received more views on that one post than I usually receive in a whole month on all of my posts combined. Your kind words, comments, and personal emails were exactly what I needed to validate that I am on the right track in sharing my story.
It has reminded me that we are all suffering in many ways, and now that we have Chiron moved into Aries for the next 7 years, healing our identities and physical bodies, we absolutely need to share our experiences with one another. To recognize our wounds, our trauma, our pain, and actively work towards not allowing it to define us or restrict us in life will be an on-going challenge as we take our power back.
I had many questions asked of me in regard to the details surrounding my death. Slowly but surely, I will disclose as much of my story as I can in little bits and pieces. The most common question I have received over the years of sharing my story with others, and from my latest post, was “What happened to you for all of this to take place?”
Well, the storyline that took place to get me in that operating room isn’t a good one. I don’t think there is any storyline that could be a good one leading to that kind of situation, but mine is an absolute heartbreaker.
Just after Christmas in 2008, I discovered I was pregnant. Being a Mom was the only thing I ever wanted to do in this life and I was excited and scared shitless to realize that my dream was coming true. I had a difficult pregnancy from day 1. Early on in the pregnancy I experienced spotting which landed me in the emergency room where after hours of poking and prodding, many failed scans, and multiple blood tests, I was told I was miscarrying. This was honestly the worst day of my life.
The amount of pain and heartbreak that comes with the realization that your dreams of your child, their future, what they will look like, how they would laugh, is ripped out of your chest and stomped on the minute you hear those words. So many women suffer this great pain in silence and it isn’t a wound that is easily healed. I was beyond the point of distraught. In the middle of an emotional breakdown, I became very depressed and zombie-like as I spent the next couple of days on the couch staring off into space.
I was required to go get followup bloodwork to ensure I was miscarrying properly and didn’t need a procedure to help my body in the miscarrying process. Off I went. Another blood test and back to my couch of mourning. I received a call from my doctor a few days later stating that she was unsure what as going on but my bloodwork revealed that I wasn’t miscarrying at all, that my HCG (human growth hormone present when you are pregnant) levels were on the rise. She ordered an emergency scan, and of course more bloodwork.
The news that I may still be carrying my child woke me up from my zombie state and put me into panic mode. Off I went, back to the hospital for more tests. They concluded that there was no signs of life inside of me from the results of the scan, however, my bloodwork still suggested that something wasn’t right. Confused and scared as hell, I went back to the couch, paralyzed, not knowing what to think or to do.
Over the next couple of weeks the scans and bloodwork continued. The dialogue went from, "Yes, you’re pregnant. I’m sorry you’re miscarrying. We think you’re still pregnant. We are considering the possibility of twins. We lost a twin. We have lost all viable pregnancies."
What a shitshow right?!
At this point, I think my soul had checked out of my body. I couldn’t handle the emotions anymore. I was instructed to go home and let the process happen. I tried. I went back to the couch and laid there for days which turned into weeks. The pain got more and more intense and although I reached out to my doctors they assured me that it was totally natural and to just try and relax.
Right.
Two days prior to the day I died on the operating table, I went to the emergency room knowing that something wasn’t right. Nothing was right about this process, but I just didn’t feel like what was supposed to be happening, was what was actually happening.
Low and behold, they discovered through a whole day of exams, scans, and bloodwork, that I was in fact still pregnant. They located my little girl at in my fallopian tube. She was alive, had a heartbeat, and somehow created her own blood source in an area that would never support life.
I was immediately admitted to the hospital and scheduled for emergency surgery. I should have been dead right there. A fallopian tube is only as big as the tip of a sharpened pencil and here I had a growing baby in there. They advised me that it was a miracle that the tube hadn’t burst already. Having an ectopic pregnancy (a pregnancy located in an area other than the uterus) is a very dangerous condition. Women have lost their lives from having the tube burst inside of them, so this was not only a medical miracle, but it was a medical emergency too.
I went into surgery where they removed my baby from me. There was no chance of her survival, but removing her asap was the only way they could ensure my survival. The surgery went as planned except when I woke up from surgery, I couldn’t breathe. I complained to the doctors and nurses about this but was told that it was natural to feel that kind of discomfort after a surgery and that it will go away. It didn’t. It got worse.
The next morning with the shift change of nurses, I continued to tell them that I couldn’t breathe. One beautiful soul of a nurse was so empathetic that she humoured me and gave me a good check over. Her faced dropped as she checked my lungs with her stethoscope and hurried out of the room. She came back with a whole crew of nurses and quickly transferred me to a gurney where they took me to the X-ray department.
I couldn't stand or hold myself up, the pain was too much. I had 3 nurses do all they could to hold me in position for the scan to be done. There, on the screen, they confirmed that my complaints were totally valid as I had a chest full of blood. My surgery the day before somehow continued to bleed internally and I had an abdomen of blood putting pressure on my lungs, preventing me from breathing.
My second emergency surgery was scheduled and they frantically got me hooked up and ready for a blood transfusion as I had already lost too much blood to go into surgery. As it turns out, I have a very rare blood type and they had to contact other blood banks in order to get the blood I needed before I could be operated on.
After a series of 3 blood transfusions, they finally took me into the operating room where I died on the table as they attempted to repair my surgery site. That’s how I was able to have my white light experience and visit the spirit realm for the first time.
I will definitely be writing about my white light experience in another post in the very near future, but for now I am going to stop my story here. Hopefully this gives you an idea of the emotional pain and trauma my soul was under prior to my “near-death-experience”.
In the aftermath of this horrible event, it was determined that I was in fact pregnant at one point with twins. I had lost my little boy naturally and of course my stubborn little girl held on until she was forced out (stubborn like her Momma).
I have hesitated for many years to share this part of my story publicly, as it is a wound that just won’t seem to heal. But knowing how many women are suffering in silence through their own miscarriages and pregnancy losses is an epidemic that needs more light and attention brought to it. It's a painful experience to go through and many women never heal because of the lack of support and acknowledgement of grieving a child that was never really “real”.
What I learned in my death, in my time in the spirit realm, is that the souls of these babies that never got a chance to experience this human world are very real, and are very alive in spirit. It’s been through my understanding of this phenomenon that has allowed me to heal my wounds surrounding losing my babies knowing they are in the spirit realm watching over me, guiding me, and protecting me.
It is my hope that by sharing the details of my story and experience that I can help even ONE woman feel not so alone through similar situations. It is an awful thing to have to go through and process alone. Even with the love and support of family, friends, and doctors, you never really feel like they “get it”. It’s only been through connecting with other women who have suffered the same kind of loss and wounds that you start to realize that you’re not alone in this.
It’s an awful thing to have in common with another person, but at the same time, the world isn’t as dark knowing that others have survived and have gone on to be happy in life despite what happened to them and their angel babies.
This storyline in my life has been my greatest source of pain, and although I feel at peace with it now, it still carries a heavy weight on my heart. In my attempt to turn my pain into power I have found myself fully embracing the gifts and abilities that were blessed upon me in that operating room, and because of that, I feel that helping others, sharing my story, and being a source of light for someone as they navigate through their darkness is honouring the lives of my children.
It is through the pain of their loss that I channel the power of their love through me, pushing me to be better and encouraging me to be a source of hope for others who need to know that they are not alone.
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